The time was six on Tuesday night
The day had been the usual sh*te
And tired workers on the bus
Were far from in the mood for fuss
But on he came as bold as brass
The alchy ned withoot a pass
"Ma maw's in hospital, she's dying!"
he slurred to skip the need for buying
"I dinna care now beat it love"
An auld dear aimed and gi'ed a shove
"Here it is" he found his ticket
Upstairs we began to brick it
He stumbled up, sat among us
Stinkin like he had a fungus
Quietly he sat and then
Stood up and cleared his throat 'ahem'
"Excuse me" went the plaintive cry
"I think ma mammy's gonnae die
Can youse help us oot a fix
I need tae get her some Matchsticks."
Silence while we raised our papers
Tryin tae avoid the caper
"D'ye mean Matchmakers?" someone said
I couldnae help but raise ma head.
"Aye - ye know - they chocolate hings"
A wee bit banter gies him wings
"Who'll start me at a poun?" he cries
Again we crouch and lower our eyes
"Come oan this is embarr'ssin me"
He gestures round to find his fee
"Och here's a pound" a brave man says
Delighted alchy ned shouts "YES"
"Here's another" and o'er the aisle
A young girl makes the wee ned smile
He's quiet then until 'Oh f*ck"
My gut reaction is to duck
But he's not going to have a pop
He's realised he's missed his stop
He lurches to the stairs but cannae
catch himself and yells 'ya f*nny'
Crash and thump he's on his arse
This day's descending into farce
"F*nny ye did that on purpose"
He yells continuing the circus
"'Scuse me passengers" he shouts
Downstairs starts to have its doubts
He tries to be polite and nice
"Did youse all see me fall there twice?"
Upstairs we all begin to laugh
He may be drunk but he's no daft
"You shut it ya wee bam" we hear
"Or whit?" -he says without a fear
"You know that I'm frae Castlemilk?"
But seems this guys is of his ilk
"I'll take no nonsense here alright?
I've had enough of all your sh*te."
But wee ned's banging on the door
He's missed his stop just like before
"I'd better no see you aboot"
He shouts and finally jumps oot
But keeps on runnin alongside
Shouting loud to save his pride
The punchline is no word of boast
He ran smack intae a lamppost.